Seek first to understand

If you don't understand, listen.

I’ve mentioned previously that I was re-reading the book How to win friends and influence people.  I’ve just finished it and while there is heaps of great material contained in that book, I found some of it contrasts with what I’ve come to understand and accept recently from writings such as The Power of Now.

For the next couple of posts, I’m going to compare the two in the hopes that somehow I can reconcile the two approaches to life and find some sort of middle ground.  In this case however, the two writings complement one another.

Shhhh!

…and that’s the message of the day.  In fact, it’s the message of century and beyond.  Dale Carnegie emphasized several times throughout his book that instead of engaging people with a view to talking about ourselves, we do far better to actively listen to people to become interested in who they are, their interests and what is important to them.  It sounds obvious, right?  Of course it is, but I’ll be honest, it’s rare to find someone who is willing to dedicate his or her time just to listen to you.  I’m not saying people don’t listen, but I think that there is a real lack of conscious willingness to put aside the swirl of thoughts, emotions and concerns we have for our own existence and dedicate it to absorbing that of someone else.

Stephen Covey, in his brilliant book ‘The 7 habits of highly effective people’, outlined this as Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. It’s exactly the same thing – put your brain on pause for a moment and listen to your counterpart.  Actively hear what is being said, understand their position entirely, and then respond as and when appropriate.

I think that many people, when they are in discussion with their friends, or whoever else, are seeking a venue to talk about themselves.  We want people to listen to us, to hear about our problems and concerns, while celebrating with us our achievements.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that in principle, but as with everything there is a balance to be sought and I think in general we don’t find it.

Can you think back to a conversation you have had recently where the other person dominated throughout, speaking mainly about themselves and what was on their mind?  You might have had a thing or two to share, but there never seemed to be an opportunity to raise them, since you weren’t asked or given your space.  Perhaps when you did, you wanted to flesh it out a bit more, but they never properly took interest in what you had to say as they weren’t properly listening.

I know I have experienced this and in-part, it’s a trait of my personality where I’m slow to volunteer personal information unless I’m prodded and poked.  When I am asked, I will typically skim over areas of concern and assume that if they want to know more or allow me space to express it, they will press further.  I haven’t found the right balance since I sometimes still come away feeling I wish I had shared a bit more.

All that said however, the dynamics of a relationship play a large role and singling out a particular conversation isn’t necessarily fair either.  I have had conversations with friends that have been all about me, for hours, only then to have the balance re-addressed next time where they have the chance to take centre stage.  It’s all about the balance over the long term.

Why it’s so difficult for us to listen

If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a million times – the ability to listen is a great skill.  We can all talk, no doubt about that.  We can all get our point across and we might even win an argument here or there, but just try finding someone that actually listens to you without trying to fix you, convert you, convince you, cure you…

So why is it so hard for us to listen?  This is where ‘The Power of Now’ meets Dale Carnegie.

First off, what does it actually mean to listen?  For me, it means to actively hear what is being said and to attempt, to the best of our ability, to really understand both the content being presented and also the position of the person relaying it.  By that I mean that when someone talks to you, they are doing so with the sum of their experiences up until this point.  They hold a certain position or viewpoint that has been reached as a result of series of a events that they have acted in, witnessed, or heard about.  Furthermore, each new experience is added to the foundation upon which all future experiences are interpreted.

We all too often forget that there is more than 1 valid reality.  Our views, values, beliefs, all form part of our identity and therefore when that is challenged by someone else, we usually resist it because to accept it at face value to is to by-definition invalidate who we are.  That sounds a bit over the top, but it’s true.  In other word:

If, our beliefs and values = our identify, and someone tells us our belief(s) is/are “wrong”, to accept that as fact is equivalent to stating we ourselves are wrong.

This helps to explain why don’t often listen as well as we should because to do so threatens our view of ourselves and our existence.  So how to get around it?  We have to realise that our beliefs, values and opinions are not actually who we are… the problem is that currently we just identify with them and mistakenly believe that our thoughts represent our true identity.

But you are not your mind. You are much more magnificent than that! Your mind is a fantastic tool for analyzing, problem solving, planning and much more, but it isn’t you.  The tendency of our minds to control our waking hours is there out of a habit of a lifetime… we have relied upon it to manage and categorize our experiences, but mistakenly we have been looking to find our identity within those experiences and within the labels used to organise and categorize them.

So being able to release our grip on our so-called egoic identity opens us up to hearing other people and their points of view.  Quietening our mind to listen becomes easier because you’re not looking to defend your position, but rather potentially grow from the exposure to alternative views.

Living in a state that is open to change and willing to accept anything new and different that comes our way as valid, allows us to try on other people’s lenses and see what they see.  We don’t have to like what we see when we do so, and we don’t have to accept something that fundamentally disagrees with us – we simply remove the lens.

Internal chatter

Next time you have a conversation with somebody try to be aware of your own internal chatter.  Listen to what is being said to you, and watch as you begin to form judgments on the content and label their opinions and experiences.  Don’t try to resist either the chatter or your mind’s focus on topics other than that you’re supposed to be listening to… just observe it.  Once you can become conscious of the chatter, you will be able to release it and allow your complete attention to turn to whomever you’re talking with.  And it isn’t only talking… it’s all forms for communication.

It is difficult to practice listening to the chatter, but practice makes perfect.  =)

Please feel free to add your comments, and even better, share this post with other people you know using the links provided below e.g. Facebook.  You may also find related and similar articles in the ‘Related Posts’ section, also below. Thank you!

The Power of Now

Related posts:

1. Recognising what the ego is
2. Be yourself, more
3. Introverts are not shy
4. Surrendering to the Now
5. ‘Father Forgets’

Tags: ego, How to win friends and influence people, identity, listening, Power of Now, seek first to understand, self-improvement